bilby IV: the ranga ranger

bilby awoke. his head was spinning. his ribs hurt. it felt like he had fallen from a great height and hit the ground hard. he groaned loudly and rolled over, only to come face to face with himself. he jumped back, startled. but it was only his reflection, reflected off his fuck ass claymore which had landed point down right near his head.

seeing the claymore, still covered in faun and dragon and wizard blood, it all came back to bilby. shane, merman flogan, the evil wizard josh, and bibly: the blood soaked ranga who had somehow taken a glimpse into the past and was able to see a small part of the wizard josh's evil plan.

he stood up, and hefted his claymore onto his shoulders. he looked around. there was nothing. blank whiteness as far as the eye could see. no sky. no sun. bilby didnt even cast a shadow. everything was completely blank. "fuck, have i been smoking again?" thought bilby. his thoughts materialized in front of his face and expanded into giant ballons of the words. they popped. "yep, definately trippin right about now" bilby thought to himself. he watched his thoughts form into bubbles and pop again. "now how the fuck do i get out of here.... i know, if im tripping, then im just like jesus and i cant die!" upon uttering this, he hefted his claymore and sliced off his left arm.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH MY FUCKING GOD, FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!"

he stared at the stump were his arm was. it was still pissing out blood. it hurt like a mother fucker. "ow" he started to cry. "that was my wanking hand. now who will pleasure me???" "definately not me" said a small scottish voice from around his feet. he looked down. it was a little pink fairy with short black hair and a pink tutu. "you look like ronald mcdonald" the fairy said to bilby. bilby raised his foot and brought it down on the fairy, crushing it.

he lifted his foot, and looked at the broken bones, blood, and shattered tutu. "hmmm, i wonder if fairy is edible..." he thought to himself. "NO WE ARE FUCKING NOT!" screamed a voice behind him. it was the fairy again. "....." said bilby. ">:(" said the fairy. "what the fuck you fat ranga cunt, you dont just go fucking squashing every fucking small pink thing you see!" bilby thought about this. strangely enough the imagery jumped to shanes penis... "who are you, the fairy of obscenity?" "no, im the fairy of rain, silly. and were going on a journey of self discovery. this saga hasnt had one of those yet" the fairy said.

bilby said "so wait, your a part of my subconscious?" "fuck no!"screamed the fairy. "who would want to be part of some pedophilic homosexual mutant ranga freaks imagination?" "im not a pedophile!" said bilby. "i only flashed steve once, ok?"

"whatever, you greasy man slut, you cant fool me. now get your fuck ass claymore and lets go on a journey of self discovery!" "will there be cake?" "NO, THE CAKE IS A LIE! NOT THE CAKE!" ".....how bout vodka?" "sure, why not" and they were off, drinking heavily and discusing there favourite pornstars. turns out bilby's porn alias is thunderwang the asshole cleaver. the fairy of rains porn star alter ego is the pope.

so on they walked in the nothingness, occasionally stopping to admire the animal life before bilby butchered it with his fuck ass claymore. after the 8th dismembered winged moneky, bilby had a brainwave. "i know, im actually the son of josh, and i am destined to bring balance again to the force!" the fairy slapped him in the face. "no, wrong movie clich'e, now get back in the kitchen and make me a semich!" ...... "there is no kitchen you drunk" the fairy slapped him again. "when i want your oppinion, il ask for it." "how bout my penis?" bilby sutly asked her. "eww, no thank you" "what, dont tell me the only female character so far is also gay?" she smiled. "no, im bi"

they walked a little further and came to josh, standing there all menacing and evil and cool looking. "kill the infidel!" screamed bilby, and cut him in half with his fuck ass claymore. josh reformed and kicked him in the nuts before twisting his left nipple off. "MOTHER FUCKER!" screamed bilby. the fairy laughed. "hehehe, im so sadistic i come just hearing you scream in agony"

bilby tried to cut josh in half again, but josh healed again before setting a large proportion of bilby's ass hair on fire. bilby fell to the ground, almost defeated. josh stood over him laughing wickedly. "you are weak, bilby. you will never reclaim shane again. he is mine, you will be reduced to sucking flogans tiny pion chode for the rest of your existence" bilby wept at this news. "no, shane, i...i...I LOVE YOU!" he screamed.

the words that bilby had never once said to his beloved shane were shouted at an exponential volume. the world rumbled and shoock, then shattered into a billion glowing pieces. bilby was left standing in a green meadow. "you see?" said the fairy. "your love for shane is the only weapon strong enough to combat your enemies, and by realising it, you have obtained unimagineable strength" bilby's claymore began to warp, and transformed into a long, shining masamune blade. his clothes also changed, into a leather trenchcoat with silver shoulder pads and gauntlets, and big fucking boots. his ranga hair flew wild and free in the breeze. his nipple grew back as a lazer beam. his left arm grew back as a mechanical arm. his nuts grew rock hard. the ranga ranger was born.

"cool, i look like sephiroth" bilby said. "yes, if sephiroth was the weakest, pussiest looking boss in all of final fantasy" laughed the fairy. "im powerful, i have no need for a fairy anymore" muttered bilby, and he spun and impaled the fairy on his masamune. "you fucking cock sucking mother fucking son of a whore's cunt!" screamed the fairy. "i already said, im a magical fucking fairy, you fucking cant kill me!" so she ripped one of his balls out of its sack, leaving bilby with just three, and flew off screaming insults.

bilby began to fly through time and space again. he saw several scenes he hadnt seen before. flogan masturbating in his bed. shane stealing his whiskey. flogan masturbating with davids pillow. josh hypnotizing shanes buisnessman billionare boyfriend, flogan jizzing in bilby's underware. bilby landed in a dark, medievil looking room lit only by several candles. josh knelt on the floor before a giant throne. "all is going according to plan, my master" josh said. bilby ran forward screaming his battle cry. josh turned, smiled, and said "bibbidy bobbidy mole, summon jacob from heaney hiney hole!" and with taht, a totaly fucked up but awsome looking THING fell out of josh's heaney hiney hole. bilby stopped dead in his tracks, and gazed up as jacob roared loudly.

the story will continue in the next issue: bilby V, josh and jacob strike back.
hope you enjoyed it :)